I just came back from a trip with some of college roommates who were also my college teammates. It was a blast. It felt good to be among friends that had been with me two decades since college. We have faced a lot of life together. It hasn’t always been easy.

I have amazing friends from all walks of life, but this past weekend as we walked through memories. It occurred to me that beyond the fun pictures we posted on instagram, there was a lot of hard work.

“I wish I had friends like this”. That was a dm I received one night after I posed this picture. It was a comparison moment for this person and I get it. These friends and many others in my life are amazing, but the picture is a second in time, a reflection of a lifetime fighting for friendship.

Friendships have to be fought for, the good ones anyway. They take time, forgiveness, understanding and pursuit. There were times I pursued friendships with little pursuit back. There were times that was reversed.

Life is hard and friendships can change for so many reasons. Deep friendships are challenging and vulnerable. Some of us were hurt by a friend so we slink back into life and the comfort of isolation.

Cultivation of adult friendships can be ever so hard. We set weird expectations without even knowing it. Friends have to be the same age as us, in the same walk of life as us ( ie. I need toddler mom friends or single friends) they need to understand what its like to run a business or suffer church hurt and if people don’t qualify for the unspoken parameters we don’t think of friendship with them. I love my friends who are in a drastically different stage of life then I am, they still make great friends 🙂

Lonely people are the enemy’s easy targets. Jesus made us for community and yes, sometimes those people hurt us. Jesus was hurt too, betrayed, gossiped about, misunderstood, rejected and then hated. You need people .(this coming from introvert …so I get how that might land) . I will say it again… you need people, you need friendship love Jesus and you. Sometimes, we have to extend the first invite.

Be a friend. Here’s what I have learned. Open your home or your apartments, extend the invite. Stop being self conscious about your home. People want to hang with you, they don’t care about your dirty dishes. Be hard to offend. Pray over people you might connect with. Stop comparing. Pray over and expectations you have about friendship that you did not know you held.

Self reflect: if you struggle to make friends pray over what God might show you in that. Are you emotionally all over the place so people do not know what to expect? Do you cancel plans last minute and do you do it consistently? Does the enemy have a game of comparison going on in your thoughts so you never feel like anyone would actually want to be your friend? Are you a safe place for people? Do you demand to be heard or are you a good listener? Do you invite without reservation or constantly sit back and wait to be invited?

Sometimes, many times, we get in our own way when it comes to good friendships. So, invite someone for coffee. ( or whatever people who don’t drink coffee drink) and be a friend. Be a great friend no matter what others do. God created friendship, embrace it.

Sincerely

Amber J

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

New International Version

⁹ Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
¹⁰ If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
¹¹ Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
    But how can one keep warm alone?
¹² Though one may be overpowered,
    two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.